Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?", asked the first detective.
"He was shot with a golf gun," replied the other.
"A golf gun? What's a golf gun?"
"I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan."

If you want to take long walks, take long walks
If you want to hit things with a stick, hit things with a stick.

But there's no excuse for combining the two and putting the results on TV. Golf is not so much a sport as an insult to lawns

National Lampoon

A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk, my son.
Soon, you will have urges and feelings you've never had before.
Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat.
You'll be pre-occupied and won't be able to think of anything else."

He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal…it's called golf."

After an abominable round of golf, a man is known to have slit his
wrists with a razor blade and having bandaged them, to have stumbled into the locker and asked his partner, "What time tomorrow?"

Alistair Cooke

A golfer and his caddy walk up to a long par-3.

The cocky golfer says, "Looks like a 4-wood and a putter"
The caddy hands him the 4-wood and he tops it about five feet
in front of him.

The caddy immediately hands him his putter and responds,
"It looks like you got one hell of a putt left!"

The forty-something business executive..and avid golfer, was browsing the personal ads on the internet when he came across an interesting ad from an attractive lady living in the same town he did.

The ad read as follows…
Slim, attractive, buxom blonde, 5'6" 125 lbs. successful in business, happy in life, no children (or desire to have them), enjoys traveling, pampering her man and the finer things in life. Seeks similar qualities in
a partner for long term relationship.

GOLFERS NEED NOT APPLY.

Barbara Nicklaus discovered that is not easy being the wife of The Golden Bear, during the Tour Wifes Championship.

At the end of the 9-hole event, her ears were ringing.
She didn't win anything but her overly helpful husband/caddy won the "Most Advice" award.

He told her 165 things in those nine holes.

Richard Nixon was never much of a golfer.
He played a little when he was vice president mostly because Eisenhower was so passionate about the game.

Once during his own presidency while at Camp David, he ran into Henry Kissenger. " I scored 126," he said

"That's very good, you're golf is certainly improving," said Kissenger.

"I was bowling, Henry," Nixon replied.

A murder has been committed.
Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5 iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the floor.

The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes."
"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The man stifles a sob, drops the club, and puts his hands on his head.

"How many times did you hit her?" "I don't know.
Five, six, seven…..Put me down for a five."

Mac and Jimmy are playing a challenging new course and as usual Mac is having a tough time off the tee.

On the 6th hole he hits a huge banana ball.
"Did you see where that drive went…is it in the rough?"
he asks.
"Sort of " says Jimmy. "How far in?" asks Mac.

" I'm not sure, but I hope our cart has 4-wheel drive"