A fellow comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife asks why he doesn't include Tom O'Brien in the games anymore.
The husband asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?"
"Of course I wouldn't," replies the wife.
"Well," says the husband, "neither would Tom O'Brien."

• It’s OK to test the green’s surface before putting. Fondle it, nuzzle it, have a relationship with it…we don’t care.
• If Tiger Woods is leading the tournament after 3 days, you must put down your clubs and leave quietly.
• If you accidentally nudge your ball off the tee, Trembling Tommy, it counts. Better snort some Valium
• The yuppie in the designer togs and expensive graphite clubs shall incur no penalty, but shall spend the after life in polyester from Target and drive a used Pinto.
• If you bore everyone with a shot-by-shot account of your round, you will be hanged at the 19th hole with a sock in your mouth.
• Stadler-Lewinsky Rule: wearing kneepads shall not be considered building a stance.
• Alzheimer’s Rule: if you cannot find your ball within 5 minutes, check the ballwasher.
• You may not make any stroke with the aid of artificial devices, except for voluptuous implants.
• A ball that breaks into pieces counts as one stroke. Next time, play a ball that isn’t so cheap, Mr. K-Mart close-out special.
• Dung in a bunker is a natural object and may not be moved, unless it’s your own

A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients. The gifts were sleeves of golf balls, inscribed with the lawyer's name.
One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the lawyer saying,"That's the first time I've ever had a lawyer buy the balls."

A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus.
He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"
To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"

• Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
• "I wish I could play my normal game….just once."
• Golf is harder than baseball, in golf you have to play your foul balls.
• If you do find that you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: Your life is in trouble.
• Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot, rarely make the perfect shot.
• The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul-it-again."
• A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers…neither of whom can putt very well.
• An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
• Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
• I play in the low 80's. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.
• If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might want to reconsider this game.
• Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy the level you've reached after you've reached it.
• Golf is the only sport where your most feared opponent is you.
• Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work….and both are expensive.
• The best wood in most golfer's bags is the pencil.
• To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.
• In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers…they shoot a "six", yell "fore" and write "five".
• Swing easy. Hit hard.
• Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand?
• Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

• Hale N. Won
• Ty Tanium
• Juan Under
• T. A. Ball
• Woody Metal
• Cal Away
• Spike Mark
• R. Chi Bunker
• Chip Masters
• Shaft

A couple of buddies, decide to play together for the first time.

Mac is an avid golfer and Jimmy is new to the game. On the way to the course, Mac asks "By the way, what's your handicap?"

Jimmy replies,"I don't have one..it's more like a permanent disability"

Two golfers join up at the first tee and each explains that due to a psychological problem, they play slightly differently than most golfers.

The soon learn that they both have the same doctor who has prescribed a game of golf using an imaginary golf ball to reduce stress. And so they tee off with their imaginary balls.

After a day of splitting fairways and hitting nothing less then eagles, birdies and pars, they reach the 18th hole.. The first one indicates because they are equal in their score that he should hit first. So he tees off with his imaginary ball.
"Look at that, a beautiful shot just on the edge of the green"
The second guy hits his imaginary ball and indicates that it has also landed on the edge next to the other ball. The first guy lines up and drains his 20-footer to the bottom of the cup.

"You wouldn't believe it, my ball just rolled into the cup, I win."
The second guy responds, "You won't believe it either, you just hit my ball."

Your a GOLFaholic if…

• You think that some day you'll shoot your age, when a more realistic goal would be to shoot your weight!
• You know there's more to life than golf, but your'e not interested in finding out what it is!
• You quit the game forever, twice a month!
• You buy every new golf gizmo that comes out!
• You think you're skillful and everybody else is lucky!
• You miss the ball, but still think it was a great swing!
• The new clubs you just bough cost more than your mortgage and car payment combined!
• You can't break a 100 but still think you could give Tiger a few tips!

Father O'Malley was playing golf with a parishioner.

On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter "Hoover!" under his breath.

On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time.
On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Father O'Malley's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!"

He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!!!!"

By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover."

The Father replied "It's the biggest … dam I know."